| A story |
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| 01:04am 16/04/2009 |
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mood:  indescribable
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There is so much to write
So much had been observed
So much had been recorded
Yet I find them insignificant
Everything seems to be insignificant
What makes them insignificant... |
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| The day after tomorrow |
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| 02:17am 23/03/2009 |
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mood:  depressed
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I don't understand many things in this world
I am willing to learn if someone will teach
I may not be the fastest learner for certain things
But not to be put on the same level as stupid, no one is stupid
I want to understand my current situation
I don't even have a chance to do just that
I have done everything within my power to make my dream a reality
I have sacrificed to the level that some would be left speechless
I don't know if people understand who I am, what makes me who I am
What makes me sad, happy, and angry? Can you tell me what that is?
Can anyone tell me they have tried to understand me the same way I want to understand others
I know things about others, but others know very little of me
Some people just don't want to hear anything that is sad, and why don't you want to hear it?
Why don't you want to help a 'friend' who is seeking help.
Don't tell me because its because you don't know how to handle it
One day someone will cry in front of you and if you have nothing to say...
Its the same thing as 'I don't really care'
Has anyone cared for me the same way my heart does for others?
Perhaps you thought you have shown you care for me, but why I whom is on the receiving-end disagree?
Are my standards too high? I don't think its high at all, but rather a fair standard
I suffer and endure each day, I pray for a good day that something different will happen
I sometimes wonder if my patience is unique or plain stubbornness
If I am 'that' insignificant then I shouldn't be here in the first place
What makes me special?
Absolutely nothing, I'm just another person on the street
A tissue that has been used and discarded
What qualities do I possess that makes me special to someone?
Someone please tell me because I certainly don't know
I would give to others just to see a smile on their face, usually but not always
Would people suddenly change their thoughts and emotions if death was involved?
It would but only for a short while, and eventually it'll all disappear
And then another day goes by
If I am special to anyone other than 'family', please show it to me, please tell me
So a lot of things I do are for others, but what about me and me and me
I tell people what makes me smile and happy deep inside me
It is not a car, nor a laptop, nor food, nor clothing, nor money
It is simply a hug, a longer than usual greeting hug
What have I done to not be able to get a hug in such a long time....
I am not interested in hearing the debate of what a hug could mean
If people are afraid of giving a hug with the thought of having it misinterpreted
I have nothing to say, and the loop of 'how much do you know me' comes to a full circle
Are my thoughts of others too innocent and naive?
That with effort and patience, eventually it'll come?
I don't get even a shred of appreciation in the way I perceived
If everything I have done to help form a smile on a face is remove from this world
If everything I will do to make someone smile is now something that won't happen as of this second
I hope I am perceived differently |
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| Tomorrow |
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| 12:56am 06/03/2009 |
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mood:  gloomy music: Yuna Ito - Trust You
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Flowers sway in the wind as if dancing
So that the rain moistens the earth
Even though this world is alive, coming closer together
Why do people hurt each other?
Why do partings come about?
Who saw the edge of the world?
Who announces the end of the journey?
Even if it's a long night and you can't see the answer now
I want you to advance on the road that you trusted
Because the light is waiting ahead |
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| Destructive Interference |
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| 11:52am 25/02/2009 |
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mood:  hungry music: Maxx - No More
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The disruption of an activity is...
Annoying? Irritating? Aggravating?
Is there a point to a disruption?
Should we ignore the disruption?
Why call in the first place?
A disruption is a disruption in itself
The necessity of correspondence
To familiarize with the situation
Yet unable to conceal the information
And to remove the detriment
People will believe what they want believe
People will see what they want to see |
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| Anyone |
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| 06:12pm 22/02/2009 |
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mood: depressed music: Princessa - Anyone But You
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Alternative thinking
Fortified by reality
Forever enclosed
Enduring time
Cruel curse
Traveled adrift
Inconceivable pain
Original sadness
Never given a chance |
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| Perseverance |
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| 10:05am 17/02/2009 |
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mood:  pessimistic music: Novaspace - To France
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Bounded by the rules of society
Society that ruins lives
Lives that are thoroughly lost
Lost that must be reverted to hope
Hoping of better thoughts
Thoughts that stimulates the neurons
Neurons that enter a state of Heaven
Heaven which makes a smile
Smile is nothing but a dream
Dreams that haunt during the night
Nights of distorted sense of security
Securities that the weak believe
Belief is the art of the devil |
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| Ate |
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| 02:19am 11/02/2009 |
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mood:  anxious music: Cabin Crew - Star To Fall
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I have pursued
I have failed
I stand with no words
I laugh
I don't understand the truth
I look for hope
I have a question to ask
When I cry, who will be there |
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| Fear |
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| 12:03am 22/09/2008 |
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The truth is a double-edged sword
If only I could tell
Who would listen?
Would they understand?
The fear of losing all that I have left
The 4... |
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| H2O |
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| 03:37am 23/04/2008 |
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mood:  crazy music: DJ Volume - The Spirit of Yesterday
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Water is essential
Water is everywhere
Water drops split a stone in two
Water seaps into the tiniest holes
Water is always changing forms
Water looks clear, but is hardly
Water is first hot, then later cold
Water can kill you
Water can save you
Water is what?
Water is love
[L]amentable [O]bessive [V]icious [E]xpensive = [H]abitual x2 [O]nerous |
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| Power |
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| 03:39am 15/04/2008 |
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mood:  amused music: DJ Satomi - Waves
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Power is something obtained or given
My power has been obtained
Power has levels and thus can be defeated
Whose is stronger?
We'll know when the battle commences
I have not lost many battles
My powers are not known to public
Because rarely have I the need to use it
I have taken both light and dark sides
What you see can be real or a facade
Which you get depends on what you do
Call it rewards, loss, divine retribution, or revenge
Why do it? Because I can
It has been a while since I used it...
Since the time I had fun torme... |
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| SOTF |
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| 01:19am 24/03/2008 |
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mood:  accomplished music: Becca - You Make Me Feel
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A fun weekend for SOTF
9:00-6:00 with all 5 events
With a sacrifice of only one game during finals
Fun at Boston Pizza and Teresa's place
Rumors had it that it wouldn't finish on time
That would be wrong, and we have proved it by only using 8 courts and the sacrifice
Given that we have 12 courts, we would finish even earlier
Boston Pizza for dinner and Cow head for some others
Euchre, Wii, DS, movies all at UWP lounge and Teresa's apartment
All in good fun |
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| Factors |
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| 03:52am 20/03/2008 |
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mood:  tired music: Samira - When I Look Into Your Eyes
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Swift is the temper of the tiger
Comes in, taunts and leaves a mark
Undeniably lonely and misguided
Seeking help from lions and not from the pack
Set to create confusion in the crowd
Leader of the pack, but overthrown
Motives unknown with big communication barrier
Does the more experienced tiger have absolute control?
Breaking the barrier with a pat?
Topic is not club, yet social
Fun is the topic, but the thoughts are deadweight
Personality does not change in an instant
Good intent but brought on bad image?
The fury rages on when plan deviates
10 minute discussion but a change 20 minutes later
Is it legit anger? Or a low-temper person?
Mood fluctuation from fun to not wanting to be in conversation
Fun happened without the negative aspects
We understand so little about the world
We think we understand someone 100%
We cannot understand every aspect about something
Individuals do not understand themselves 100%
Proven by the wrong choices made
Errors are a necessity given by life
Daresay there is nothing perfect in this world
Determing causation is with infinite possibilities
Live with uncertainty as it makes us better |
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| Ambulance |
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| 01:19am 28/02/2008 |
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mood: crappy music: Bob Marley ft Angry Kids - Mr Brown
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After the call, it was 5 minutes before they came
2 Paramedics came in and performed a few body checks
Was escorted to the Ambulance
Fast ride to Grand River Hospital
No clue how long/short it took, but it was definitely fast
Unstoppable panic attack is not really fun
Non-stop trembling, insomnia, abdominal pain, difficulty breathing, unable to focus
GG Valentines day
GG to certain people/events that trigger this |
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| Bla bla bla |
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| 02:03am 14/02/2008 |
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mood:  moody music: Aqua - Doctor Jones
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If you have the guts to say it, then do it
If you want to sever ties, fine
I don't give a flying fuck about it
Go fuck yourself and never talk to me again
Go rant to your mommy or your best friend
Go confide yourself in that little ego of yours
That little bubble that keeps you all warm and comfy and all knowing
Following the hallucinations that make you right
Creating an epiphany that does not follow logic
I am so sick of this bullshit
Clearly you know my background yet I don't know if you're ignoring it or forgetting it
Give some thought and consideration to the other person
Ever thought of rephrasing words you piece of shit?
Apparantly not
Do whatever you like
Just get the fuck out of my life bitch
You've just lost one friend that you will NEVER find a replacement for
Or wait, was I a friend in the first place? |
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| New Years |
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| 12:25am 08/02/2008 |
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mood:  calm music: Erika - Relations
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Professor Bhoresk is disappointing, he does nothing in class
He wants students to do his work
With little committment, does he think others will be satisifed?
He plans out things, but in the end he forgets it all
Though his mood changes in class
Though I think mood fluctuations will end by June
Yet this isn't the first professor I rated as poor
I can't expect too much out of him
CBT assessment completed and approved
Its strange how people don't know how to rephrase their sentence
It makes me angry when people throw a fit
Never giving a damn how many times I rephrase the sentence in the most positive way if possible
Just want to yell back, but that would complicate things
Rather keep my mouth shut and act normal
Yet I don't know why I'm complaining as this always happens
I shall continue to observe human behavior and its impact on society |
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| OPD |
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| 03:24am 21/01/2008 |
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mood:  awake music: Basshunter - Now You're Gone
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I am officially registered with the Office of Persons with Disabilites
Being registered here, I can utilize tutoring support, alternative examination arrangements, academic coaching, and photocopying services to name a few
As a precaution, I already made alternative examination arrangements for all my courses
30 additional minutes per hour of examination
I am also entitled to receive the Bursary for Students With Disabilities
However I must use it to assist with 'additional' academic-related costs or therapy
Luckily I don't have to pay it back
There are so many things I will use; private study rooms and workstations at DC/DP, and adaptive technology centre at DP which houses the most comfortable chair on campus |
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| Suicide |
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| 01:14am 09/01/2008 |
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mood:  confused music: Paul Van Dyk - White lies
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On the morning of my last exam, i checked on ACE for my final mark of my course because there are 3 midterms & no final
To my shock I got 33%, my only 2nd failed course of my life
Sudden panic attack came over my body
I had an exam to study for, but I couldn't do a thing
Called Tele-Health Ontario and talked to a nurse
She told me to play a game, or do an activity that I enjoy to keep my mind off negative emotions
I had an excellent idea to relieve the pain, overdose on sleeping pills
No more pain to feel, no more people to disappoint, all is good
Yet no, this was not the right way to solve the problem
Why not? Its so simple and effective
I was in a state of confusion and called Tele-Health again
The nurse asked me to go to the hospital but I was hesitating
After more influencing, she made me promise her that I would immediately go to E.R.
Time is 3:00 AM and I called Imbeau and asked him to drive me to the hospital
I arrived at the hospital and consulted with a crisis nurse
At 6:00 AM, I talked to the doctor and he wanted me to see a psychiatrist because I was in a confused state
I was not allowed to leave the hospital
9:00 AM and the psychiatrist came to see me
I was no longer in a mood to seriously physically harm myself
Psychiatrist also gave me pills for future panic attacks and a doctor's note for today's exam
To the current date, my emotions fluctuate dramatically despite taking antidepressants |
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| Exams & Holidays |
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| 03:06am 08/01/2008 |
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mood:  lazy music: Sarina Paris - Look At Us
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Defered all exams till last day of exams and still have yet to finish one exam
First in-class exam, defered a week
First exam during exam schedule, left 1/2 way through from extreme pain and left back to Karen's
Slept through the 2nd exam during the same day
Got Doctor's note to defer exams and defered original last exam as well
Defered yet again an already defered exam till after holidays
Finally left on the last day of exams
First day at home, its endless shopping for presents as its already the 21st.
I have no time after that day
Dec 22 - MJ
Dec 23 - Karen/Maple & Family dinner
Dec 24 - Margaret/Teresa & House party
Dec 25 - House party
Dec 26 - Jeanne & Family dinner
Dec 27 - House party
Dec 28 - Skiing
Dec 29 - No clue what happened here
Dec 30 - Baddy & MJ
Dec 31 - Drunkness
Jan 1 - MJ
Jan 5 - KBBQ & BBT
It was a fun and tiring holiday |
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| Hate extended |
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| 01:02am 09/12/2007 |
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mood:  sick music: Nelly Furtado - All Good Things
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With hate comes experience
With hate comes supression
With hate comes life
With hate comes greed
With hate comes love
There are times where dislike becomes stronger
It starts off small, I ignore, I think of other things
The potential hate is unknown to me
It has no logic, no fate, no direction
Life is fair, receiving on the short end of the stick
Unexpressable emotion...
Stick to the plan, stick to the plan
Flawed thinking corrupts the mind
See 10 steps ahead and find truth in hate
With no pain, comes no life
Secrets that cannot be told and kept within
Hard to say, hard to understand
I will not hate, I will not hate
Creating an entity(id) that separates my mind
Undeniably it hurts, but enduring is my current path
It is the only way I know how
Enduring till the day I can release all
The eye of the storm that is soft yet terrorizes the path
The path that cannot be carved out of stone, but that of blood
Blood that will not wash away...
Why do all good things come to an end...does not apply |
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| Christmas |
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| 01:08am 03/12/2007 |
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mood: worried music: David Guetta - Baby When The Light
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Karen asked me what I wanted for Christmas
It made me so happy I cried
It has been a long time since someone asked me what I wanted before I asked them
The ultimate present I want is an everlasting hug |
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takatobell's journal